然后我又摘抄了几篇泰戈尔的诗；骂了父母好几页；憎恨上帝不公平然后在篇末又说或许上帝是公平的；感叹时光匆匆；摘抄了“滚滚红尘”的歌词；宇宙的浩瀚和我的渺小；”老友记”的观后感；说“珍珠港”是我毕生看过最震撼人心的电影以及战争的可怕；诅咒各路亲戚；今天玩了“模拟人生2”（正版）；一些毫无意义的流水账；疑问自己为何总是无法看见眼下的快乐，而总是等到多年以后才回忆起今天的美好；因为想买NDS而思考人类欲望的无止尽；开了个头然后就没有了下文的自传；因为觉得自己会孤独终老而在新造好的大楼露台上边淋雨边哭；我不需要朋友，我只爱自己；记录了一些追星的黑历史；抱怨自己总是不停地在抱怨；我该不会得了抑郁症？！；空虚；和同学之间相处不愉快；狂欢是一群人的孤独，孤独是一个人的狂欢；I AM TOO COOL；用三页篇幅论述“性欲”；记一次鬼压床；外婆过世；JEALOUSY；HORNY；初夜；北京游记；暗恋；一些男人；酗酒和草率的求爱；我想起一条一面羊毛一面丝，银色印花的围巾，我丢失了它，如今它出现在每一个地方，我走过哪里都会想到它，它复古且异样地美丽；又平白无故地活了一年，深度抑郁，把自己关在房间，酗酒，写长段自我剖析，试图想明白这些年来阻挠我的究竟是什么，又重新思考起死亡，试图吸烟，但没有得到快乐，也没有上瘾，我在不知不觉间变得越来越乖戾，脆弱和暴躁，我想死在一个美丽的地方，至少不是这乌烟瘴气地城市里，我希望世界末日真的到来；我想死，但不是五月，我要死在盛夏，我唯一害怕的是我的未来；我总觉得要“生活”，我有多么热爱这世界没有人知道；他于是问我是否对于改变生活不感兴趣，我回答说生活是无法改变的；我去普陀山拜拜，因为近来我开始感到自己的无力，我害怕过不去这一关，我还是很想死，我的前路不是逃离便是死去，所以哪一个都无关紧要；早秋的雾、铝合金窗、黑色河浜、铁道匝口，远处斑鸠的叫声扰人清梦。
地铁里每个耷拉着脑袋，穿着不合体廉价西装的上班族都在告诉你什么是真正的日本，压抑，沮丧，冷漠，一成不变，没有梦想的每一天。他们从不敢和你对视，说话都很小声，把行李抱的很紧，生怕挤到别人，但在下车时又不发一言地推搡前面的人群。他们认为最会“读空气”的人才是最成功的人，他们不在乎自己是否最有钱最有权还是最有名，而是有没有“behave like anybody else”，并且所有人都会质疑批判那些不这么做的异类。
Why do you sigh, roar, fall, all for some hum- drum come —mm? Hm…
After that, I took a shower and a look back through my little life. It vaguely occurred to me that back then, when I was fourteen, who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I ended up to be.
The reason I am writing this in a second language is that the things coming along are what I have been trying to get rid of, well, at least to bury them deeper. Just like drinking, smoking and masturbating, things you thought might somehow help you with the depression at that moment was vain and would eventually come back to you and bite you in the ass.
Once upon a time as a callow youth, I was popular in the class, having so many friends and great times. I tied my shoelaces with the girl across the aisle and rush to the kiosk while falling. The girl had a crush on the boy sitting beside me, and so did I. The boy dated a plump more-attractive-in-a-feminine-way girl later in the story. He was the cutest boy in our narrow world; everyone including the teachers favored him. My girl, once I thought was and would be the BFF in my upcoming life wasn’t so cool, she was jealous of the plump girl, and so did I.
The plump girl became a whole different person having a life that I couldn’t even imagine after graduation. The boy who wasn’t that good at study went to some technical school. I enrolled in high school finding myself not that popular as I used to be.
I started to reading novels at the classes and watching movies after classes. I was like a ghoul. I put on my indifferent mask by the day and conceived my tears between the water when it’s raining.
I never had any crush on anybody ever more. I don’t know why but I was just like this field drying up irretrievably. Years later I was finding myself not able to love another human being. I was confused yet not that surprised since I didn’t having so much hope for LOVE at the first time.
People who haven’t had any relationship in such a long time like us are tending to be weird. We become uncomfortable around other people. We like to amplify those inconsiderable details and our trivial feelings. Pathetic urbanites, submerged in the busy crowd for too long, eager to breathe fresh air on the surface of the ocean, eager to be put in the map, eager to be gazed affectionately, eager to be touched… to be loved. We imagine the love scene in our head to dispute the loneliness, and weep our tears when awakened from our midnight dreams.
They say 90% of the greatest poems were written post-coitum, that’s the moment you falling from divinity to humanity, the moment you realize everyone comes with their own misery and there is actually no solution to that. It’s the moment that unprecedented emptiness fall down to you and you have to admit you are going to spend the rest of your life, alone.
1939年アカデミー作品賞「Gone
with the Wind」から、プリンセスドレスが若い女性で流行を巻き起こした、戦争の影から出できた女性が過去の華麗なる服を憧れたともに、Christian
Diorが健康的な、現代女性に相応しく、また女性の曲線美を追う意欲を満たした「New Look」を解禁。
monsieurshiu 